The Bunny Man: An Urban Legend

1

Beware the bunny man, my dears,
  Beware his clever ruse,
Beware the man of all our fears
  We hear upon the news.

Because I fear for all of you
  Who dare to go at night,
Because I fear and often rue
  The day he took his flight.

The two eloping teens had lost
  Their way into the wood,
Because their car had broken down
  With smoke inside the hood.

And so they walked until they found
  Somebody's cabin light
Within the windows' curtained round,
  To them a blesséd sight.

They crept and ventured with a knock,
  And once the door had oped, *
They asked the woodsman for his help
  And hoped and hoped and hoped.

The man acquiesced and took them in
  And bade them, "Sit and eat.
I want to know what happened, so
  I'll get you on your feet."

The girl could only blush in shame
  T' explain the reason why
They came into the woods so late;
  The boy said with a lie,

"We got a flat a couple miles
  Away from here, that's all;
We need your help to have it fixed
  Or give someone a call."

The woodsman looked at both of them
  And found the teens sincere,
Agreeing to be of some help,
  Then said, just to be clear,

"You two should count yourselves in luck
  To find me over here,
Because these woods are dangerous,
  More so than they appear.

"There was a prison complex here
  In nineteen-seventy,
When Fairfax County was a small
  But cozy place to be.

"But all that changed when it was closed
  To make the place 'secure',
When every inmate there was moved
  T' another place of cure.

"The transfer of the inmates went
  Along without a hitch,
Until the transfer bus had crashed
  Into a hidden ditch.

"Some inmates died upon the hit
  That crumpled up the bus,
But others fled into the night
  And caused a lot of fuss.

"And off they ran with all the speed
  Their legs could strain to bear,
But one by one they all were caught,
  Save one to our despair.

"The parties searched throughout the woods
  But could not find their man,
And pretty soon they all gave up,
  Abandoning their plan.

"Within the passing days emerged
  So many carcasses
Of eaten rabbits locals found
  That caused them much distress.

"The rabbit carcasses were found
  A-hanging from the trees,
Like ghastly Christmas ornaments
  A-swinging in the breeze!

"And so another search was called
  To find their missing guy
And found to their astonishment
  A person's corpse—oh my!

"What's worse, his mutilated corpse
  Was hanging from the tree,
A ghastly Christmas ornament
  A-swinging by his knee!

"Authorities redoubled all
  Their efforts to arrest
The man they dubbed the 'bunny man'
  And put the case to rest.

"Their searching found his hiding place,
  A simple lodge that stored
A bunny suit with rabbit ears
  And rabbit corpses gored.

"But they could never find the fiend
  That carried out these deeds
And so were forced to give it up,
  Until they got more leads.

"But soon the killer's trail grew cold
  And nothing could be done,
And so they gave it up for good,
  Because the fiend had won!

"Beware the bunny man, my dears,
  Beware his clever ruse,
Beware the man of all our fears
  We hear upon the news."

2

The teens had awful chills of fear
  Run up and down their spines,
While in their hearts they felt each pulse
  That fear of death divines.

The two were nearly frozen stiff
  In shock and awe and fear,
So as their host he calmed them down
  By offering good cheer.

And once they were placated thus,
  He spun another tale,
A tale the two could much relate,
  A taller tale that they'll

Remember when they leave his place;
  He said, "I still believe
Those urban legends parents tell
  Their kids before they leave.

"Those warning tales of lovers' lane
  Are every bit as true
As apple pie and whipping cream,
  Although they rarely screw."

"I'm not too sure we want to know,"
  The girl protested shame,
"And why should you relate to us
  So personal a claim?"

He said, "You need to tell your kids
  To never venture out
Into the woods alone at night,
  Or even take this route.

"Just seven years ago, I've heard,
  A couple just like you
Had come into a lovers' lane
  Not far from here, it's true.

"I've heard that when they fooled around
  The two were heedless of
The danger that was near them both,
  As they were making love.

"Indeed, a tragic tale, I know;
  But I knew more than most
Of what became of these two fools,
  As I am wont to boast.

"Their names were Marianne and Stan,
  Or so the legends say,
Who heard a noise outside their car;
  So Stan asked her to stay

"Inside the car and lock the doors,
  While he checks out the noise
That interrupted them that night—
  Ah, such are foolish boys!

"And so poor Marianne must wait,
  So wait and wait did she,
Until the minutes passed and passed
  The devil's hour of three. **

"With every hour that had elapsed,
  She worried all the more
For her brave boyfriend to return
  Without a scratch or sore.

"But soon enough the slumber came
  And overtook her will
To stay awake and stay alert,
  For Stan was out there still.

"And as her senses dulled with sleep,
  She thought she heard a brush
Above her head upon the roof,
  Mistaken for a thrush.

"And so she slept a peaceful sleep
  Until the morning after,
When she awoke to find police,
  Impending some disaster.

"Confused and scared and bleary-eyed,
  She nearly panicked when
(Police escorting her away),
  She turned around then—

"She saw her lover hanging there
  Above the very car
She slept in, hanging from his knees,
  A grisly sight bizarre!

"So now she knew what she had heard
  When drifting off to sleep—
Her lover's fingers rapping on
  The roof when counting sheep!

"Could you imagine such a shock,
  Or how it must have seemed?
They say she went insane with fright
  And screamed and screamed and screamed.

"They say the bunny man had struck
  And made police the blame,
Who could not catch their wily man
  Of legendary fame.

"The words I speak are very true,
  As true as murdered Stan;
So never venture over here:
  Beware the bunny man!"

3

The man concludes his anecdote
  That freaked the couple out,
Their faces pale and wet with sweat—
  So creepy was this lout. ***

And yet the man, with all his guile,
  Had calmed them down a bit,
So that they need not have to fear
  Their host's eccentric wit.

So after they complete their meals,
  He offered them a place
To sleep inside his cozy room,
  And closed it just incase,

To keep the noises down for them
  To slumber peacefully;
And so they slept within their arms,
  Face to face, he to she.

But little does the couple know
  The danger they are in,
Because their host had other thoughts
  Of such horrendous sin.

He donned his bunny suit and ears
  And took his favorite axe
From off the shelf, preparing for
 The latest of attacks;

He'd give them both their just deserts,
  He'd give them each their whacks;
He'd butcher them upon the bed
  And stuff them both in sacks.

And then he'd carry both of them
  And string them up like rabbits,
A-swinging in the breezy air—
  Such were his practiced habits.

So in he crept with all the stealth
  Of silent ghostly tread
And raised his arm to give the blows—
  And filled the night with dread.

They say that you could almost hear
  The screams that fateful night,
And when the screaming wanes and dies,
  You'll hear his laughter's spite.

Because I fear for all of you
  Who dare to go at night,
Because I fear and often rue
  The day he took his flight.

Beware the bunny man, my dears,
  Beware his clever ruse,
Beware the man of all our fears
  We hear upon the news.

THE END